i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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