Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
