ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
