Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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