my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
