I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
