WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
