on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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