I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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