I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
