Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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