Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
