Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
