really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
