He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
