I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
