before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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