I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i think i have two assholes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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