Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
