I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize