I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
there is puke in my bra ... again
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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