I wish I could teleport
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well I just put wine in my tea
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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