i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
