i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize