Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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