Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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