I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
