I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
