Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize