Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
