who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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