I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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