I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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