just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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