my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
