Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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