Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
