Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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