I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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