I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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