Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
