Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
