I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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