I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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