She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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