I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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