hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You made out with two different species that night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
