um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
