I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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