listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
