I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
