I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
