I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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