Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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