had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
