You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
