Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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